Dear Jesus. Now I have heard it all. Someone from the church we attended in Louisiana has said that their church is under an attack from the enemy. For those of you not familiar with church speak, this means that they think the devil is coming after them. It also implies that they have done nothing wrong, and that God has nothing to do with what is happening. Well, news flash. Your church is teaching false doctrine. And, your leaders have admitted this fact. Now. Go read your B-I-B-L-E. See what it says about teaching false doctrine. From what I can tell, the enemy would leave your tail alone, because the Lord hates false doctrine. Out of the mouth of the senior pastor. .. . ‘I have heard God.’ And, we were just the messengers. So do your pastor a favor. Don’t discount what is happening. Get on your knees. Pray for him. Pray for the leaders. Pray for your church. And, stop giving the enemy credit for something he had nothing to do with. Now go and have yourself a nice day.
Macaroni and cheese. Noodles just past al dente. A buttery, creamy cheese sauce. Baked cracker crumb on the outside. Eat. Kindness that will overwhelm your soul. Discovering all the facets of God through others. Discovering all the facets of God in yourself. Transformation. Jesus. Pray. Babies. My babies curled up in my bed. My babies growing into people I like to be around. The security of my husband’s affection for me. Laughing with friends. Love.
Okay. What a dork. I watched the movie last night. It was fine, but read the book. You see, I didn’t read the book until this summer. Why? Well, in my previous religious circle—aka church—I had heard rumblings of this book being bad. She was not, after all, a Christian. And, we should read only Christian materials. So, because I could, and no one would judge me for it here in my new circle, I read it. I loved it. I loved being a witness to someone’s journey. And, please resist the urge to stone me on this one, but I think the author actually hears God’s voice. Seriously. And, if she can hear the voice of the Almighty, then why in the world do I think I need to tell her what to do. He will get her exactly where he wants her to be. And, He might even use an ashram on her journey to Him. He will use whatever He wants. I am so glad that I have finally figured out that I am responsible for the salvation of no one. Good God. Who did I think I was anyway?
Now, please share your eat, pray, love in the comments. . . I would love to know!
Yep. That’s me. A beautiful mess. And, happy, too. I have run my car off the road of perfection, and directly into grace. The more I write about my wrestling with God, my doubts, and my fears, the more the religious become uneasy. They are nervous that my admission of doubt will lead others astray. How can I explain that doubt is just my faith taking itself seriously? I don’t want to be the blind leading the blind on this journey. I don’t want to believe because I am told to believe. I want to KNOW. And, the more I question, the more He speaks. Which, incidentally, increases my faith exponentially. I no longer fear others. I no longer fear Him. ‘There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear because fear involves torment.’ I John 4:18. The great part about this state of grace is that I am no longer tormented. Don’t get me wrong. There are definitely some who seem to live to try and torment me. It is just that His grace allows me to see past it. And, please understand—grace does not make me super human. Words still hurt. It is still painful to have people speak ill of you. But, I am no longer tormented. I just run right smack into grace. It is the gospel at its best. For it is by grace you have been saved.
That title feels a little loaded. And, really, this could go one of two ways. I could deflect and tell you how busy I have been. I have spent the last month completely surrounded by friends and loved ones. I have had house guests galore. Someone has recently called me the Holiday Inn. For the record, I love having company. I love having people I love under my roof, sharing meals, laughs, and tears. But, I don’t want to deflect. That is the beauty of my new world. My new favorite answer to almost every question is, ‘Because I can.’ So. Where have I been? All over the place. Some days I am as hopeful as a little girl waiting for the ice cream truck to pass. Some days I am so disappointed that it is as if I saw that very truck run over a puppy. And so it is. I honestly think I was just expecting the burden to lift. We went to Louisiana, we confronted the leadership, and I thought it would be over. I keep waiting for God to take away my brokenness for others who have been destroyed by Christians. I keep telling Him I am tired. I am done. I think He must be laughing. I am not done. He has burned a place in me that is only soothed by soothing others. So, my journey continues.
Posted in Faith
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Tagged When Church Hurts
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My husband and I have returned from a trip to Louisiana, and I would be remiss if I did not share this with my readers. We received a phone call from the senior pastor of our former church last Wednesday. He suggested during the course of our conversation that we meet and reconcile. Mike Ross told him that we would not only welcome a meeting with him and the elders, but that we would solicit it. Needless to say, we found ourselves walking up to the pastor’s front door on Saturday night. As Mike Ross and I walked up the front steps, I quietly whispered to him that I felt like a lamb led to slaughter. We could tell by the number of cars that more people would be in attendance than we had been told. We walked into a room with 21 people. Yes. 21. Thankfully, Mike Ross had called a dear friend from Texas to ask for prayer, and this friend is so dear, that he literally dropped everything and drove to Louisiana with his wife so that we would not be walking in alone. Upon reflection, all I can say to describe the scene was that there was a mix of people. Some seemed sad, some seem confused, and some were vehemently clutching stones and brooding. Lips can lie, but countenance cannot. I will not be going into any further detail at this moment out of pure respect for the pastors and the elders. We have laid before them the false teaching of the church, along with letters and comments from people who have experienced spiritual abuse at the hands of the church. The pastors and elders have committed to address the issues of the teaching. They have committed to making amends to those who have been hurt. They have committed to keep Mike Ross abreast of both of these promises. The senior pastor was very repentant. Please join in us prayer over this entire situation. Due to my love and affection for the flock, I pray that these men and women can right the wrongs and change the direction of the teaching to a purely scriptural foundation. I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to the band of friends who surrounded my family this weekend. While you call us brave, we have seen with our own eyes that your willingness to be associated with us has caused you grief, and for that we say that you are the brave ones. And, last, but surely not least, thank you to my greatest Friend. Without Whom, I could not have stood. Without Whom, I could not have spoken. Without Whom, I am nothing.
I find myself at a crossroads. There is a fork in the road, and I am not ready to make a choice. My husband, on the other hand, is ready to make his choice. To say that there is tension would be an understatement. I am in hunker down and protect mode. What I think people don’t understand is that I really do find myself wanting to protect everyone. My immediate family, first and foremost, but then, there are people who I simply call family. Granted, many of them have abandoned us, but my love for them withstands. I recognize that hurt is at stake no matter which way I choose. I ask myself and Mike Ross these questions. What are your motives? Do hurt, anger, or vengeance drive you? Or is it truth and love? I know that it is not a matter of poisoning the well, because the well is already poisoned. Yes, there is a lot of good water, but a little cyanide makes a big difference. This is a hard balance. Because the water was good, but the poison hurt me. And, I would be lying if I said I have never wanted to shout out of pure anger and hurt. Maybe it is this fear of myself that keeps me reserved. I have been asked to ‘unleash the beast’ that is Mike Ross. His feeling that I have censored him aligns me with those that have censored him for years. In my searching for censorship in the bible, I can only find the case of Zechariah—the father of John the Baptist. He was censored for not believing the angel of the Lord. This is not Mike’s problem. I know that David withheld his sword, but he never withheld his tongue when speaking of the wrongs of Saul. So. Mike Ross. I love you. Say what you need to say.
http://www.mikeross.us/
So, yesterday in church the pastor referenced God condemning Israel in the Old Testament for going about their little worship rituals without really giving thought to what they were doing. Funny, but the rituals were set up by God, and they were, after all, being ‘obedient.’ So what is the problem if they were in essence putting on a good show? Hmm. I love this line of thinking, because I sometimes find myself struggling through worship. I have always been one who refuses to raise my hand on the correct beat just because everyone else is doing so. If I am questioning something, or God forbid, angry with God, I have a hard time pretending everything is okay. Back in Louisiana, I used to attend leadership meetings where the group was essentially told that we should hide our troubles, sin, questions, and doubts. The pastors said that you would be able to tell the maturity of a Christian by their ability to walk through trials without anyone knowing. A good Christian should always appear to have it all together. Be shiny, happy people. In other words. . . never let them see you sweat. What? We aren’t selling freaking deodorant here! We are staking our very lives on Jesus Christ. Savior of the world. Hell, yes, I sweat! And, isn’t it Jesus Himself who says that in our weakness He is made strong? To quote one of my favorite movies, ‘Yes, Annelle, I pray.” But I doubt, too. And so did Thomas. And Peter. The prophets questioned. Job questioned. David questioned. John the Baptist declared Jesus the Christ. Then, he even questioned. So be free from the bondage of hiding. To love with abandon, you must have the freedom to be yourself. Ugly self and all.
Posted in Faith
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Tagged Faith
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Poor Mike Ross. I was rummaging through one of my ‘carry-around’ bibles, and I struck gold. This one is full of junk. Old church bulletins, random sermon notes, and private notes. I just so happened upon a conversation that took place in February of this year between my hubby and myself that is too funny and too Ross family. I would love to let you in our little world for a moment, so here goes. Mike begins by writing at the top of a bulletin: ‘List some attributes of sheep.’ To which I replied: ‘I don’t want to play. If you have a thought, just share it.’ Can you say got up on the wrong side of the bed? Ha! A little back story might help explain my mood. I was at the point in our walk when I was prepared to throw out the baby and the bathwater. ‘Church planting sucks’ was my new mantra, quickly followed by ‘Hell, no, I won’t go.’ Anyway—back to the conversation. Mike writes: ‘Just thinking about stuff during worship and the feed my sheep story came to mind, and sheep just lay around and eat.’ I replied: ‘I guess you think our sheep will lay around?’ To which he said: ‘Take everything else out of the equation. What does feed my sheep look like for Mike and Lynde Ross in Austin?’ Again, with the sarcasm came my reply: ‘Okay. Have a consumer church. I just won’t come. I would rather teach people to fish rather than give them fish.’ End of conversation. Poor Mike Ross. His heart was so genuine and mine was so. . . well, wretched? Funny, but I stand by my statement. Yes, my delivery could use tact, but in my defense, I was in the midst of leaving behind everything I knew about church. And, starting over or living in unknown territory are not my favorite things. So, today, we venture on together. Both looking for lost sheep, but both determined to teach them to fish for themselves. We are not God, after all. And setting ourselves up to be God to someone only assures our failure. The end.
A friend of mine is hurting today. My heart is breaking for her, and I am beyond frustrated that I do not have a magic wand to wave over her and take away her pain. I met this friend seven years ago when she moved to Louisiana to work at the church I was serving in. My first memory of her was on one of the most important nights of my life. My son, who was nearly killed in a car accident was on the brink of his second return to the hospital. We had been told that he would revisit the hospital his entire life with complications. I insisted that we take him to the church to be prayed for at a youth camp that was taking place before I would take him to the hospital. (My husband recognized the crazed look in my eyes and complied—but was whispering behind my back to our concerned daughter that we would go to the hospital). Jesus completely healed my son that night. No more hospital visits. Well, this friend had come to my house with about 20 others to pray for my whole family. Upon leaving, we were so overwhelmed by their love that we enveloped everyone in giant bear hugs. Her husband quickly informed Mike Ross that it was his wife in my husband’s arms. We had obviously broken the very serious, yet weird, churchy rule of the side hug. Too funny. From that moment on we had many quirky, fun interactions with this couple. We did not run in the same circles much (they were staff, we were pseudo-staff), but when we were with them, there was an undeniable kinship. One day, this friend disappeared from our church. Looking back, I see that this happened frequently. People would just disappear. I am embarrassed to say that I never tried to ‘find’ her. I was led to believe that the people who disappeared were bad. I don’t even remember how this thinking came into play, but it was prevalent at our church. Fast forward. I reconnected with this friend at the end of this May. It is funny because we had both been blogging about our experiences, yet did not know it about one another. Since then, she has become a safe place for me. I have yet to name names or places in my blogs. I am not on the warpath. And I have many friends still there who I do not want to be hurt. But, I can speak freely with this friend. She has a heart of gold. The sweetest spirit you would ever encounter. Her laugh is infectious, as is her love for God and His people. She is under attack today for speaking truth. She has taken on a battle on behalf of the voiceless, the weak, the wounded. I am so proud of her. I am so proud to be called her friend. And, I am ready to take my place on the field with her.
A Link to Her Blog: http://bishopswife.wordpress.com/
My husband will tell you that he felt the call to ministry at a very young age. I did not even know the term ministry at a young age, and I certainly would not have known what it meant to be ‘called’ to ministry. I mean, does your phone actually ring? Anyway. The thing I can say about my involvement in ministry is that it all began innocently enough. I knew that my husband felt strongly about it, and I knew that I wanted to do for others what had been done for me. I had been introduced to a Love that surpassed anything I could imagine, and I just wanted others to meet Him. A couple of years after my introduction, my husband and I moved to Louisiana to begin ministry training. Although I had never so much as volunteered in a church before, I was quickly thrown into all sorts of roles. Nursery coordinator, life group leader, women’s ministry assistant, college ministry pastor. And, all at once, mind you. I loved the people. Really loved the people. But, I was overwhelmed. I asked for breaks and help, but was refused. And, so began a seven year journey that I allowed to turn me off to ministry. By the time I arrived in Austin and we had established the legal institution that is ours to pastor, I could barely stomach the thought. We have laid it down. And, not long ago, I might have ended that sentence with forever. But then, Love showed up. I am humbled to say that I am literally being loved back in to the fold. Just last night the most precious group of people sat in my living room, and unbeknownst to them, reminded me of what the church—His church—really is all about. Isn’t it funny how God works? I am right back to the beginning. I just want to do for others what is being done for me.
